made out with the bouncer to distract him from how illegitimate my fake id is.
Whatever, she only has 293 friends, she cant afford to be defriending me..
would really like to know how the teddy bear got super glued to my testicles.
Wow, I just sneezed gum out of my nose. Wonder how long that's been up there.
FYI angry masturbation is not as cool angry sex
I've decided to turn your sobriety into a reason for me to be able to drink more.
Did strip banana grams actually happen last night
So i know i shouldnt being spending random large amnts of money...but i just bought a sword.
It's times where you wake up in the hospital after trying to road surf that you wonder what you're doing in life.
i got to hold a baby today and i loved it and i want a baby but actually i'm going to make an appointment to get birth control now.
I'm at a new rock bottom. Malibu on ice at work because it's the only thing they've got and no mixers.
Because you touch yourself at night.
...What time of day am I supposed to do it?
you don't go into accounting for the pussy....
You were on the train yelling, "THIS TRAIN NEEDS TO GO FASTER SO I CAN GO HAVE SEX WITH MY BOYFRIEND!!!"
How did they ever let a trainwreck like myself run a bar?!
Randomize
