Will you take my knitting needle, stick it far up my nose, reach in my frontal lobe and give it a few swirls?
dinner at cheesecake factory: $40. drinks at yard house: $50. having sex in the VG parking lot while people are staring at you awkwardly: priceless. Goodnight.
Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
FUCK TREES I CLIMB BUOYS MOTHERFUCKER
STOP listening to that song
we were exchanging secrets last night... she told me about how she put markers in her vaj in middle school. found a keeper.
you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
I don't know where I am but there are firefighters
this bucketlist has just become an excuse for me to be slutty, and i'm not even ashamed
That's the last time I do shots near a campfire.
sorry can't make it tonight, greg's getting back from italy. he's had two weeks of carbs and no gym; now's my chance to get myself a piece of that newly-fat, low self-esteemed ass.
No night ever ends well that starts with "you know what this needs? More tequila".
Then my perve supervisor asked about your vagina. And I was like nunya, but its glorious
I'd climb him like a horny MILF spider monkey.
That guy I hooked up with in new york last 2 statuses are "I'm going to be a father, it's a girl" then "wow syphilis sure does burn" I'm legit scared... What has my life come to.
It went from a "chill game of beer pong" to "absinthe body shots and a tits parade" in literally two minutes.
Told you inviting her was a good idea.
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