I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
so, just learned that EVERYONE heard pretty much everything last night. my roommates were surprised to learn you're a dirty talker.
going to the gym drunk. fuck whoever made basketball season and getting a spring break ready body in the same season.
you stumbled up the stairs in your heels, pulled 23 one-dollar bills out of your bra and then went and puked in the toilet. didnt say a single thing to me the whole time
I made a Wendy's employee say fuck this and quit because I started flipping out due to a baked potato shortage. Of course I had a good night
It was like bizarre-o star trek. I shamefully went where every man has gone before.
He's not actually Jewish. Turns out he just wears the yarmulke to cover his bald spot.
Its mothers day, andI woke up with 12 bar stamps on my face, holding orange juice and a box of tampons. This can not be happening
Just got to Evans to buy weed. His mom showed up unannounced. Now the three of us are chillen. Super.
Well shit, I would've slept with him if I knew he was gonna be in the draft.
I'm glad you enjoyed the night but why were you calling me "daddy"?
Im pretty sure I didnt bang him becasue I woke up at 6am to him jerking off with a fleshlight right next to me in bed ... He made himself cum and was moaning my name ... MOST AKWARD EXPIERENCE OF MY LIFE
It's 7am. I'm sitting on the curb in last nights clothes with a nose bleed and no idea how to get home. Low moment I feel.
All I remember is being in the middle of the road puking and my bestfriend cheering me on from the passenger seat...
hey, just so we're clear, next time we go swimming drunk at my house, we have to use the floating chairs instead of my mattress. i'm not sure how to get it out of the pool.
Randomize
