I accidently shit my pants. So I tried to throw my underwear in their lake, but they floated. So in the middle of the night, I got into the paddle boat and had to throw a rock on top of them so they would sink. Next time, I just won't shit myself.
just rolled a joint with wrapping paper.. and you say i have no christmas spirit
def just vomited mimosa in the gym trashcan. i weigh less already so i say its been a solid workout.
I thought short asians scared me, however seeing my first tall asian I'm terrified.
I wish straight boys touched me the way gay boys do.
It's like a puppy that we have to take care of at all times or else she'll get sad, lonely, and chew on the furniture. And by 'chew on the furniture', I mean have anonymous sex.
He just told an 8 year old to go fuck himself so we probably won't be in the butterfly exhibit much longer.
i'm exhausted. do you know how hard it is to put together an outfit that is professional enough to secure a babysitting job yet slutty enough to let him know i'm down for sex during naptime?
She was purple for Halloween. She literally spray-painted herself purple and called it a costume. It won't come off.
Whenever I see women with terribly drawn on brows, I just wanna tackle them and redo them and run away. I'll be Brow-lady. The beauty superhero
My mom just told me she would flash her tits to a cop to get me out of jail, and then we high-fived.
i spent 45 minutes yellng Heather I feel so bad i wanna die and then 45 more yelling I DONT WANNT TO DIE. thats how drunk i was
Successfully put eye drops in while driving with my glasses on. Stoner level: expert
They live across the street from a school baseball field so they have porter potties across the street and let's just say that I'm grateful they exist
A guy just threw up in my lecture of 500 ppl and just got up and walked away
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