someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
dude she was so drunk she thought Jim Joyce made the right call
My drunk body wants to fuck you so bad, but my high mind is telling me it's too much work. I think I'm just gonna stay home and eat some Mac and cheese. Sorry.
its official. the only way for my hair to look good is to blow somebody
please hold off on going into labor, i might need you to take me to the free clinic
He drew a face on his balls with a sharpie. It was like giving head to a unicorn.
studying for my Anatomy final and masturbating to Japanese porn are practically the same thing
Dude he fell into my wall and left an imprint then decided to have sex with the door open. Vents carry noise pretty well
Guess who figured out you can fit an entire bottle of champagne in a big Subway cup. Open container laws my ass.
She told me she's into girls now. I told her there would be a full bottle of jäger and an empty bed here Friday.
I woke up in your kitchen with my ID in my hand and my nails were painted electric blue. Dude.... never let me have fireball again.
I'm driving to work hungover. I feel like I got hit by a train and then drank that train too.
I’m literally watching say yes to the dress, eating fancy cheeses with crackers, and I have orange dark chocolates. All of which is being washed down with merlot. And I’m 100% sure a porno is gonna go down next door tonight. They don’t have a car and arrived via taxi. Happy holidays from motel 6 Pendleton Oregon!
He saw me naked after our first date and still asked for a second.. so I think we’re doing good
I asked what it takes to be a good delivery driver, my new boss said "always keep these in your vehicle" as he handed me a flashlight and a blunt. I'm going to like this job.
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