I got to stop making out with my boss at work. I think we should just get it overwith, be dissaponted and move on.
a search helicopter?!
Two hours into move in day and the ambulance is here already.
No one will ever love me with the amount of puke on my hand
Apparently I tried to convince him to sleep with me by showing him that I could do dips....
Trust me I was high for like 5 years...I got this
I'm pretty sure at any given moment you could wring out my liver and get a couple of shots of jäger.
My sister was borrowing my phone when the sext came through. She just said "wow. He's got a nice dick!" Then went on like nothing happened. Outed by a dick pic and its no big deal. Best sister ever.
What kind of outfit says I totes want you to take me in the airplane bathroom?
yo knit me an eyepatch. but also make it usable as a thong
Yea I almost drowned giving a BJ in the shower once
Eye drops are like seatbelts of being high. Think about it
I was basically just fingering myself and thinking about space.
I yelled out "blow jobs!" in my macroeconomics class. Ask me more about how my life is spiraling out of control.
Yep. Just fucked a 34 year old on the football field where we both went to high school. That's a story for the grandkids.
Randomize
