She punched me in the face after i pulled it out and grabbed my cell phone. Ill be the one hiding in the bushes with one shoe.
i was drunk and our names rhymed...what was i supposed to do?
The drugs are starting to wear off. Suddenly aware there's a girl with bald patches and 2 guys that don't have a full set of teeth between them.
If I have to take him to the hospital, I'm drawing dicks on his face
Apparently I told his new girlfriend to stop swallowing because she's getting fat. Oh, and I yelled this across a large room
this is worse than the time i threw up a condom.
He's afraid of heights. How do I know, you ask? Blowjob on his roof.
don't get you morals all over my torrid fantasties
I managed to make myself a bowl of apple jacks, took one bite and had to stop eating them because they were making my brain wiggle. How was your comedown?
Guess who figured out you can fit an entire bottle of champagne in a big Subway cup. Open container laws my ass.
Why did you fed-x me a peanut butter sandwich?
It seemed like the thing to do. There's popcorn on it too.
STOP smoking sooo much weed. Damn
She has this wild look other eyes like she wouldn't be afraid to commit a felony.
Dude you were so wasted you thought a fake electric candle was real and tried to light your cig with it. Multiple times.
i got kicked out of the casino for drunken disorderly conduct because i kept stumbling into old people and one of them told on me. as the boucer was taking down my information so i could no re-enter i ripped my id out of his hands while yelling fuck you.
don't worry dude i have your phone, text me when youre gonna come get it
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