I now officially know the distance between my two boobs is one twizzler.
If I saw her on the street and didn't know about the two of them, I would think the only way she'd ever find love was if she somehow found her way to middle earth and an orc took her in
Just took a beer bong out of snuffaluffagus's trunk. Your move
She tried to keep her legs crossed last night while doing a keg stand. Way to keep it classy.
What am I legally allowed to do to a girl that is the equivalent of me punching her in the face?
She bit me. She gave me a brief pity cuddle. I gave her an awkward backrub, somehow I thought it would be a good idea to include the vagina in that. It wasn't.
There are 144 bottles of wine in my mother's pantry. She just shrugged her shoulders and said it was for the wine pong tournament on Christmas Day.
I have so much boob sweat I could bathe a baby
I will no longer accept being cock blocked in my own bed.
Dude, you punched me in the face bc I wasnt ordering your tbell fast enough. Then when you got it, you threw it out the window bc, and I quote, "OBAMACAREEEE!"
I just found a voice recording from Tanya's bachelorette party when we found you drunk in downtown being harassed by a crazy dude dressed like a clown and we rescued you. Attached is a voice recording of me interviewing you after we found you. I titled it Carlos Batman.
fuck you I'm eating salad I can't be drunk.
so i was thinking... those 6 am shots weren't really needed.
I just had 3 numbers I don't know text me and remind me I am to attend AA on monday. Im gonna say it was a good night.
Im experiencing the awkward moment after realizing two of my straight female friends have had sex with each other
Randomize
