They threw me out of the bar because I was arguing business ethics with the owner of th bar
i just heard Winston Churchill in auto-tune. thank you nerds.
Having drunken flash backs of me giving you a piggy back ride. I was like Jesus, and you were my cross. I fell so many times for you. This is true friendship.
Maybe I should forgo underwear.
This is a family BBQ no?
That's what you get for drunk dialing me to ask what kind of flowers I like while outside of a strip club, after telling me you "made it rain"
Smoked a joint and chugged some pepto. Feeling a lil better... Not sure which is working..... Gonna keep doing both.....
There appears to be a lake on my nightstand. As usual, I should not be considered a suspect. Together, we will find out who did this.
Just cause I'm shitfaced wasted every night waking up in random beds all over Manhattan does not mean I'm a mess.
Truth. Respect the hustle.
The guy who's car I hit last night just followed me on Twitter...not sure how to feel about it.
My boss just lit a candle and said a prayer to get laid tonight ..
She asked me if I would fuck her with my storm trooper mask on
Normally roommates threatening each other with knives would be too much crazy for me, but I don't have much going on right now and I feel like this could get interesting. So I think I'm gonna ride this shit out for a while.
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
we didn't even throw knives this time! it was just the carrot peeler
just walked passed a black light...apparently he DID cum.
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