dude, that girl smelled worse than the great depression.
You got in a fight last night?
Yeah! Some dude in the bathroom...he was standing there and I notice he's got the same shirt as me on so I'm like...dude you should have called me, we look like idiots...he didn't say anything...so i got pissed and hit him...completely decimated and my hand was all bloody and covered with glass afterward...weird dude, never saw him again that night or since.
Um...Did this guy happen to look almost exactly like you?
after he passed out we removed everything electronic from his room, stuck in some old books and an ancient typewriter from goodwill. for 20 min. we had him convinced he'd drunk himself backward in time.
Whoever decided putting Tom Seizmore and Heidi Fleiss together in rehab should win some kind of award.
The door to door salesmen do not expect you to be drunk at 3 in the afternoon
She tried to lure me back to her house by saying she had "real" pizza.
JAMES WASHOMGTON STATE ATTACKED US
WE'RE FYCKED UL HARDCORW
THE REISLING ATRACEX US
I caught him trying to shit in her bed. I asked him why he was doing it and he said "because it's wrong."
No, trust me. Falling down the stairs is a fucking sobering experience.
Ohhh,that's true. Babies are only fun when you're high. Otherwise, they're the worst kind of people.
Will you judge me if i do shots in my basement closet first? No? Okay good
She could makes a perfectt roast dinner drunk but she nearly sets the kitchen alight microwaving popcorn.
Dying on my bathroom floor at 7 am, I would rather be eaten by a shark right now
i woke up with a kayak in my amazon shopping cart with 1 wrong digit on my credit card and the transaction wasn't going through.
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
Randomize
