Did you REALLY have to twitter about our sex last night?
Rocking a Headband at the strip club, because of Rock of Love this shit is like their kryptonite, I smell like stripper butter and back child support.
he took off my shirt and said 'oh my god the legends are true'
My dinner was lean cuisine and tequila. Aaaaaand I need a boyfriend.
No its cool, because I bought a handle of tequila earlier, in case things went south
He was just laying on the stairs and then screamed, "Is that a clubhouse?" I haven't seen him since
There is nothing like getting stoned and spying on people with binoculars
explain the broken jalepenos in my underwear drawer?
shes the kind of girl that would cock block endangered pandas
I'm getting a collar when he gets back in to town! That's like the bdsm equivalent of getting his class ring!
What! You have to go to class. Otherwise, you're wasting money that could have been spent on weed. Gotta get that shit in perspective.
Woke up with a squirrel in my bed, how was your night?
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
I got very very very high last night and bought a cotton candy machine on eBay
I'm glad I date someone who likes the simple things. Sex, kittens, and McDonald's.
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