I just recorded courtney puking and set it as my ringtone.
just friend requested my arresting officer from last night. too soon??
So then she just shoved applesauces in her pocket and started talking about she needed to find her friends.
you didn't get her number why?
you can think of my virginity as your little souveneir from our relationship.
The walk home from the bar is FAR more shameful in daylight.
You know we had a good night last night when today I opened up my Google Translate application and the language is set to Persian and the phrase to translate is "I want you to suck my dick".
I'm drunk in a field. the chupacobra is going to eat me. if I die serve vodka at my funeral.
I call BS on that! THAT WAS TOTALLY AN INTERCEPTION. JENNINGS HAD THAT.
PEOPLE ARE FLIPPING FURNITURE HERE. IN THE ROOM ABOVE ME. I HEARD SOMEONE WOOKIE CALL IN ANGER FROM SOMEWHERE IN THIS BUILDING.
I'd be lying if I said I wasn't scared, even a little.
thanks for not telling him i named my trumpet after his dick
I feel like our relationship should have moved on from you constantly asking if I'm gay
Call me something sexy & ethnic. Like jasmine. But mystical too. Like Mermaid Jasmine. And throw Glitter somewhere in there too.
you were bawling because you felt bad for being so drunk and then you asked for a beer
All I've been thinking about for the past 12 hours is sex and SEAWORLD
I heard drunk is the new sober. I heard me say that. To a cop. Can you come get me??
I haven’t sent any nudes yet in 2018.
That’s not true...is it?
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