The Firefighter Games are going to be in Tampa the same weekend I am. I think God is answering my vagina's prayers.
Eating Doritos is not nearly as enjoyable when I'm not drunkenly feeding them to peacocks.
I think she just stepped in a piece of mac and cheese, picked it off the bottom of her foot and ate it.
just got booed by the entire restaurant.
Why are you always at the walk in clinic, Lady Chlamydia?
You're not allowed to make that my permanent nickname.
I have a busted ear drum from when he honked his horn when we started to have sex on his car in the parking lot...
I probably should have waited until after the game to pity fuck him. You know, seeing as we lost.
wearing the bible to the ABC party, thought you'd appreciate that.
You just want to live out all your fuck fantasies with all these girls through me. I know your game. Well played sir.
He asked me to come stay with him so he could "see that ass and watch Harry Potter."
Tonight I learned to never try to impress your ex by dancing on the stripper pole while drunk. That’s how you end up in the ER
My vibrator turned on under my pillow when I was taking a nap this morning... I nearly shit my pants.
spent the night holding naked strippers up for keg stands and doing endless amounts of body shots. good game 8am final exam.
whats an extra semester when you've already been in college for 6 years?
you going clubbing tonight?
well its tuesday isnt it
Jesus better clutch that motherfucking wheel, then.
I'M NOT PUTTING MY TRUST IN JESUS! I'M PUTTING MY TRUST IN YOU!
Randomize
