Texts From Last Night · Random Texts

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(310): View more from California

If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.

Fav 10 1405 1854
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(678): View more from Georgia

I have said "that's the wrong hole" for the last time.

Fav 57 1690 7171
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(563): View more from Iowa

whatever sunny in Philadelphia does on Thursday nights, I'm doing all weekend.

Fav 72 5582 1039
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(717): View more from Pennsylvania

dressing as green man for st patrick's day = free drinks all night long

Fav 31 7547 1221
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(480): View more from Arizona

He didn't speak any English, but I think I caught the word turtle in there somewhere.

(602): View more from Arizona

Why would he say turtle mid-fuck?

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(919): View more from North Carolina

everytime someone would look at you, you started to try and deep throat your beer bottle.

Fav 13 3976 1664
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(540): View more from Virginia

I have your car and your sandals. My shoes are somewhere under the puke couch. Safari time.

Fav 11 929 1360
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(727): View more from Florida

You proposed a left ass cheek firmness contest and got a surprising number of contestants. Then you ruined it by groping someone who wasn't playing and awarding them first place.

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(305): View more from Florida

She should be a lawyer. She convinced her husband to give her a hall pass AFTER he walked in on her in bed with her ex-bf

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