hey babe. i'll pick you up in my mom's car. with my mom. she has nothing to do tonight.
he recorded me cumming with the t-pain app on his iphone
I looked at him all bewildered and he said, "what? I figured if it was under 30 seconds it'd be free."
i woke up to find out i googled the Twilight Eclipse trailer. so either drunk me doesn't know that i'm straight, or sober me doesn't know that i'm gay
I just fell down my stairs. I know that you are 6 hours away but please come pick me up. I promise I will still be here on the stairs.
It wouldn't have been a big thing. If anything, I woulda apologized to you and cleaned the remote
She told me my dick looked like a baby seal wrapped in a sleeping bag.
Liver, I have supported you for 18 fucking years. Pull your weight for ONE NIGHT and detoxify this alcohol.
No need to talk. Eventually, he'll either stop coming over, or decide that it's a relationship.
And if not?
...I keep getting free bourbon and great sex with no expectations. You really don't understand that there is no "down side," do you?
Why are you there anyways?
Pickin up ball pit balls from craigslist
Saw the guy I once slept with, he was buying Beer and shit tone of diapers. Glad to see how 2016 will turn out.
Is there ever a non-asshole time to play the "I was a child prodigy" card?
I turned off my domesticated goddess switch over 2 years ago and idk how to turn it back on. So in the mean time I'll dodge this gf bullet and eat free steak for as long as possible
You are ridiculously similar to a unicorn, and I want to fuck that unicorn.
would it be awkward if i bring my husband?
only if i fuck you in the bathroom while he's paying the check
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