whoa...plan B gets you drunker quicker.
My dog ate my bag of weed. Thats not the easiest call to the vet to make.
ur penis kinda felt like a vagina to me
Thought you might like this. Had a dance off with an andy bernard look alike and pissed my bed. All in one night.
As it turns out, strippers don't accept checks.
She handed me her tooth and asked me to hold it so she could swim.
Getting drunk before noon on a Tuesday. When did this become my life? Did you know that a six-pack of Smirnoff is 2 liters?
Drunk life lesson just learned the hard way: do not try to play hump the great dane. He may take you up on it.
At the ER, will you come pick me up... Had an allergic reaction, wanted to see if I could eat a peanut without dying... Do you how bad this is evolutionary, I would have died back in the days of survival of the fitest by now
It's a sad day when you can't take off your pants and drink a margarita at work.
Yeah that's a good idea.. I like to be responsible when I trip my nuts off
Yeah, last night in the parking lot was hot. I'm sure whoever has the surveillance tapes thinks so too.
He asked if I was alright. I said "Yeah, I'm just an incapacitated ball of orgasmic bliss right now."
On a scale of "huh, that's interesting" to "holy porn stars, batman". How good?
Definitely closer to "holy porn stars, batman".
I don't remember that much at all. But I guess I met this guy from New Zealand and his dog, and then I punched someone in the face.
Randomize
