next time dont tell jokes :) miss bonerkill
So I used to make fun of texas a lot, then I got here and I found a place where I could get my tequila in a to go cup with a straw and I realized that this is the only place I ever want to be
The walk of shame is slightly more complicated when you wake up in the wrong country...
Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
Please don't die.. At a gay bar... On a Wednesday. Obituaries are not allowed to be that entertaining.
Hahahaha you would not believe what I just pulled out of my vagina. Actually you probably wouldn't be surprised.
I think I love you, but I may be biased because we had pirate sex.
He showed me one of his balls and said "this one's free. you'll have to work to see the other.."
I found your pet lobster in the bathroom this morning. I went to return it to you but it escaped.
Lube is flammable
Who is this??
I am going to ride along with a cop tonight so please don't get arrested because that would be super awkward for me.
I'm out of town so we should be golden.
I left for five minutes and Chris wound up half in women's clothes, half naked. And the naked half was covered in shamrock stickers.
i'm growling thTa how much i wNn slwwwp.
save me some of whatever you're doing i'll be there in five.
I'm like a bad decision making factory. I need to sit down and have a chat with my decision making elves.
Yoooooo, the fat magician married the chick I dumped a beer on after I got pissed he was flirting with her in front of me
Randomize