You went to the wrong car, tried to open the locked door, and started crying because you thought we were playing a mean trick. Then the owner came...
We had like 4 guys come over and buy us all drinks as an excuse to hit on Kendra. Hanging out with her is now officially fiscally responsible.
I just peed on my pajamas. Its gonna be a long night. Don't forget the cookies.
I'm trying to spell out I love you with a series of photos of my penis, but I just realized I can't do the Y of you
No one intentionally makes bad decisions, just errors in judgement. You have your boyfriend I have a restraining order from universal studios. It's all relative
He just told me he's been drinking vodka at work all day. I'm starting to believe in soul mates.
Just used "I used to work as an inflatable toy operator" as a pick up line. Freshman frenzy is great...
He started screaming when he saw my dog. He thought it was a polar bear
It felt like a sumo wrestler slapped me. With a wet hand. 8 times in a row.
I thought he was having it in Athens. Alright. Have fun. Please save my dignity and refrain from talking about my boobs and sexual "abilities". If I have any. I just feel like they are going to ask. Repeat after me. And repeat it 5 more times. This is going to be the phrase you're going to rely on tonight: "I can neither deny or confirm such actions."
It's 2:10 am I am sprawled on the floor of the kitchen drunk and eating cold chicken wings come help
My purse is like an anchor I can't move I am sliding around like an over turned turtle send help
This floor is really dirty send a maid if you can
Shroomed with my best friend'a dad at his wife's surprise birthday party so you can say I have experience in the field
So apparently I initiate sex in my sleep
like when you break up with someone your virginity slowly starts to grow back & when it's done it's like ding ding ding you're ready to date again
I puked in the back of my mom's new car because I had too much to drink at Chilis. I think I just hit rock bottom.
Randomize
