I woke up to a bunch of college seniors jacking off a horse in my face. Geuss who didnt move in time?
just bought a $25 eighth from a chick who has a kid. i'm helping my community out right?
I got laid because I told her I play guitar. I haven't played in 7 years and only know a G chord. I love this place.
So somehow I got from NYC to a suburban town in the middle of Jersey. At 4am. Thank god there are trains that can rectify my mistakes...
But like now everytime I pee I just think... wow I had sex with him on this toilet.
Note to self: You can't deep fry cheese-its.
I texted him that I wanted to be more than fuck buddies so when I came over he gave me a punch card. He takes me I dinner every 10 fucks.
People dont know what to do when a naked fat guy is running towards them. they panic
I woke up in Brittany's thong, Tony's shirt, and an oven mitt
Shout out to this stomach virus for helping me prepare for whatever slutty Halloween costume I decide to wear.
And, omg, my eyelids are on fire. I think the internet let me down. :(
I am on my way right now and I SWEAR TO GOD IF YOU EAT MY BURRITO YOU WILL NEVER SEE MY TITS AGAIN
He texted me at 4:30 in the morning saying "I'm not drunk but I think you're beautiful" and then a facebook message at 6 am saying "hi" and the subject was "oh"
I'm hungry and horny. DEADLY COMBINATION.
I’m going to lick a fucking door knob when this shit is all over
Probably Waffle House
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