So drunk its hurt
I think she heard me call her a fat skank. But she was to be fair.
Just so you know, coffee creamer+water does not = milk.
I'm at the cafe. It's 7am. There is a girl I don't know on my futon who tried to tickle me this morning when I got down from my loft. I also not wearing any underwear.
i love waking up at 5am with an imprint of a toilet seat on my chest
We totally just fucked in a closet. These vacations with his family are causing creativity I never thought I had.
Woke up with string cheese braided into my hair- literally braided
I just saw that cheerleader from u of arkansas that I hooked up with over spring break on espn. My parents would be so proud.
I'm using my dog as a pillow. He's cool with it.
It may not have seemed like it to you, but I was very sad that I was cheating on my GF with you. I was crying on the INSIDE.
Finally get to put my practical writing degree to use! I'm writing a craigslist ad for a threesome
It's 6am and I had to explain to the gas station attendant why I didn't have shoes on and I'm covered in maple syrup.
He was imitating a sprinkler when he started puking. Hence- vomit sprinkler. Some people just can't handle their tequila
I just want you to know that watching you throw up out of a cab in the McDonald's drive thru was probably the highlight of my night.
RESPOND QUICKLY THIS IS AN EMERGENCY!!! LITERALLY AN 11 INCH DICK!!!!! HELP.
Randomize
