PS - I'm in bed with an 18 yr old-am I a cougar?
No - puma.
I wish I could be a nicer person. Or a more sober one.
Please don't tell anyone I peed on your wall.
Where's the Hot Mess Express headed tonight?
I hope that's not the new nickname for my friends and me.
It's summer and yet I still can't have one library session w/o seeing someone who has had their penis in me.
The party theme was heirs and heiress's. Most guys came in polo shirts but he came as the "arch duke of vagina".
But life isn't just all about getting drunk & eating chicken strips.
I don't want to tell anyone! People who sleep with senators either end up in porn or guantanamo
God, you're amazing. I just want to hang out with you in the nude and watch Monty Python movies whilst we quip about how comedians just aren't as funny anymore.
Credit for originality. Points off for a mild to moderate creepy factor.
Every single person in NY is either baking, drinking, or photographing their cat. Reporting live from Instagram.
I need a hug and tequila
I'm sitting next to a milk crate full of tequila right now
This is why we need to live in the same city again
I just ordered 30 klonopins from India that could probably be anything from Viagra to Midol. You need to find another friend to get advice from right now
I woke up at 3:30 this morning to pee. Luckily, I didn't have to travel far as I was asleep in my CLOSET on my yoga mat. Good news is I had a pillow...
The time stamp on this text message is reason enough alone to not leave me unsupervised
He flipped me around so that we could have sex and both watch Die Hard... I think I found my sole mate. Merry Christmas to me!!🎄
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