My sheets at my parents place are clean. No braveheart but I can paint myself, yell "freedom", and sword fight you with my cock. So come over.
i either just vomited on a lesbian or a small boy
my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
i hope chris hansen doesn't have a boat
I dated that bitch for 9 months and didnt get as much as a hand job. I met her sister last night for the first time and smashed that...twice
I respect that
Look, all I'm sayin is $2 boilermakers and an expense account are probably a bad mix…
i just ran into my boss at the liquor store. we didnt exchange words, just nodded in mutual understanding.
That's science, my friend. Boner science.
I promise it'll work. Just go there and keep the lights off and keep saying blaowww. She'll think your me.
today is just not my day... it could be raining penises and I would get hit in the face by a vag
That number that I thought was that dude's number...was actually my district manager's number. Fuckkkk.
Spring Fling is on 420. The theme better be 'Flower Child'.
I want there to be fog machines and unicorns.
Why do guys insist on chatting me up this early in the morning? I'm just like "Dude, I look like the bastard child of Einstein and a troll doll. Let me eat my Hot Pocket in peace."
you need a warning label. Just announcing that you are Scottish is seen more as a challenge. Those guys have no idea what they are getting into.
When we got into his bed, his damn parrot started making sex noises in the other room
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