for our anniversary he stepped it up a notch and bought cool whip rather than the store brand. i was impressed.
I just heard a mom tell her toddler son "shut the fuck up. Don't ask me to buy you shit when i'm taking u to go see some fucking animals" welcome to the bronx.
her facebook's as public as her vagina
The only birthday messages I got from men were from my 8th grade boyfriend and the bouncer at our bar. I think I'm doing something wrong in life.
Xanax and allergy medicine look a lot alike when you spill them on the floor. Just saying that I still have allergies but I'm unsure if I still have legs
I just asked the contractor building my house what it would cost to put a garbage disposal in all the shower drains...there was a lot of judging going on.
Just saw him riding in a basket on the front of a bike trying to feed the other guy beer. He screamed 'PARTY BIKE BITCHES!' at me as they rode past.
I lied. He's hitting on a drag queen now. Should I rescue him or take pictures?
there are teeth marks in the soap. why are there teeth marks in the soap.
You had me at "mimosas" several texts ago.
Well you know it's going to be an interesting night when the bathroom attendant is doing hail marrys
she basically told me that her vine videos last longer that I do
And my coffee table looks like something out of Scarface
Yea I almost drowned giving a BJ in the shower once
You should come over tomorrow. Wine, pizza and my vagina. Those are all great things.
Ok. Yes. He has a tiny penis. But he also has a trust fund.
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