I have a walk of shame I should be getting to. "Hey, by the way, what is your name?" is not a conversation I want to have today
Well, its 5:30am and you haven't let me in, I guess ill go home
She said I could do whatever I wanted to her. I pumped for 20 seconds, apologized, rolled over and passed out. I sit directly across from her at work. Awkward?
I need a sticker that says "It's no use hitting on me - I'm the plus one" Seriously, how do they think I got in in the 1st place?
Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
you ate skittles off the table like a hungry hungry hippo. it was awesome.
Her life must suck. All she's got is "Miss Shamrock" WHICH SHE LOST!
I've hooked up with six guys in my ethics class next semester...I feel like I've failed already
You now know someone who has just successfully talked his way out of being arrested for breaking into the town library at midnight. Ive been home for too long.
Im not spending 10 to get hit on by potential transexuals even if they are cuter than most of the girls I dated.
He goes "sorry was at the gym. Some of us workout " and I wanted to text him back and go "well some of us do occasional drugs so we don't have to"
Tomorrow I need you to slap me in the face. I'll explain then
I got arrested in a leprechaun onesie
He kept saying "Ayyyyyyy" during foreplay... during sex.... during everything! It felt like I was having sex with friggin Fonzie from Happy Days!
Oh and it’s been a year according to my snap chat memories since I banged your cousin in your sons truck pulled over on Elm St! 😂😂😂😬😳😇
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