Hey it's Austin.
I am not drunk enough for this conversation.
dude, i just saw a bobcat while i was rollerblading this morning
1 dont ever text someone @ 8am on sat. 2 dont ever admit to rollerblading past 1992.
Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
So drunk can't even tell it's my own house. WOaoOw.
good luck with ur interview. Just show them your confidence and don't make that sucking snot noise. Really don't. Praying for you, love mom
He texted me for a bootycall at 2:00am so I rolled outta bed and shaved my legs but then he decided he wasn't coming over...he lost his bootycall privileges
he threw my burrito on the ground and said im too drunk. fuck that guy.
Weer fine. went to buiy cigxs, but hes theonly one waering shoes. He caem out wti chicke fingers instead. whatecer, there th 8 dollar kind.
Look, as a friend I'm asking to see a picture of his tiny dick
I used that money i stole from the stripper last night to pay for my date tonight.
I feel like I was dropped out of a helicopter. Through the propeller.
A drawer in my room has nothing but a large feather quill, a wine glass, and a 15" Bowie knife. If you could put my life in a drawer I think that would be it.
I miss using glorious as an adjective. I'm gonna start doing that again. And I'm gonna try to get cuntatrosphe in there some more, too.
He said did you just interrupt me midsentence to admire another man's penis?
He said he would get me a helmet and bedazzle it with my name and address so the cabs would know where to take me
Randomize
