she was puking into the toilet drowning herself saying "its okay im a swimmer"
i decided what we are doing for your 21st b-day: camelbacks filled with margaritas
You blacked out and walked in on my neighbor breast feeding at 3am yelling "where is my best friend". I think we should go apologize.
I'm on my way, but at some point we're going to have to settle who gave who crabs the last time
This is the moment in my life where I take a fork in the "nice guy" road ive traveled for 23 years and fuck everything in sight that doesnt have herpes, or is in-between flare ups and I don't know about it until my dick is on fire.
They tried to dine n dash at dennys and the waiter jumped on their car and broke their windshield
MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! I REPEAT, MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL! I LITERALLY NOW HAVE TO CANCEL ALL OF MY WEEKEND PLANS.
I have a tab of a google image search of onion rings open and it is making me so happy.
I mean, I would have, but I couldn't come up with a logical reason to bring up oral sex during an orientation.
we fucked in the backseat of my car at the observatory, right under the stars. it was a starry, orgasmic filled night
You are free to stop by. I promise to keep my penis in my leather pants
When the dude you brought home from the bar on Thanksgiving leaves before you wake up ... #thankful
I solemnly swear to help bail you out of jail when you throw a dildo at a politician.
So, I actually said the words "but face tattoos are sexy"
The internet was right. Snorting muscle relaxers is awful
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