I just walked by a homeless man reading the money section of USA Today...
i just heard my neighbor say from outside my window "i don't give a shit what he does, what the hell am i gonna do with my son's penis?"
i really wish my pants would only unzip when im sober
We're playing Edward Bottle-of-eight-dollar-sale-wine-hands now
Note to self: never do anything I don't want to explain to a paramedic
Please don't let me drink ever again. I apparently told him he could stay but as there was no room in the bed he'd have to lie on top of me and he'd need to anchor himself on with his penis so he didn't fall off.
Dude, she sent me a nude of her posing in the mirror and her dad was in the reflection
and i think wearing the clothes from last night are out of the question...was there mud wrestling there? because i look like a participated..with a cat.
i feel like i should invite him over so he can cockblock my roommate one last time before he graduates. for old times sake, ya know
Yeah but sometimes your vagina needs to be fed and when we are drunk we tend to eat junk food
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
Alex I've come up with a new medical condition. dick depression. it's a real thing and I have it
I hope you have your own chainsaw cause I didn’t buy one for you. It was a gross oversight on my part
If he doesn’t slap your ass with his drumsticks, then I don’t wanna hear about it.
What a weekend. It started with me realizing i might not be straight and ended with me spraining my foot.
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