Hes far too high and trying to explain daylight savings time to me. Help?
we went to the store to buy cookie dough and conditionally went straight towards the booze
I think you blew it when you asked her "Do you look good naked too, Or is it just the bra?"
Dude the animal human society told us we could get a dog when we came back sober. I cant wait.
I awoke this morning to a naked boyfriend flying a remote controlled shark around his apartment. This is my life.
Why yes actually, getting stoned and reading an AARP magazine IS totally where I wanted my night to end!
Dude, she found the red hair dye from 4th of July. then she proceeded to give you a red mohawk for a more patriotic thanksgiving eve. How do you not remember that?
my vagina can't take this anxiety. there is no way he is 19 and this smooth. he's lying about his age or he's a goddamn sexual prodigy
The fun I thought I would be having now when I was six is vastly different from what I am currently doing. Hurraaay sex and vicodin.
It's gay pride, I'm in my EMT uniform getting more girls than your straight ass ever will..
Omg last night I was giving shots out like I was the Willy Wonka of the alcohol world.
I just realized, you're dating a guy named Jameson. That is another level of whiskey dick.
If I'm not there when the plane leaves, I didn't make it through security. See you at home! Vegas bitches!!!
Bold words for someone NOT on a unicycle
Ever look at an ex and wonder...was I drunk that entire relationship??
Yes, yes I do.
Randomize
