The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
so i was dancing to the glee soundtrack with highheels. i tripped. and the dildo fell on my face. i dont know what happened.
Just found out my mom tried to sue the birth control company when she got pregnant with me...love you too mom.
Bubblewrap condoms. We can steal Ziplock's new slogan. Protection you can hear.
The only reason anyone found out he threw up is because everyone heard it sizzle the bonfire out.
Do you think she hates me because I thought her roommate's name actually was Butterface?
thanks for waiting 12 hours to ask if I was in a ditch or not
i had choclate birthday cake for breakfast and am currently flossing my teeth w a condom wrapper. at work. hot mess for 200 alex
Clearly my hormones are sending beaming lights to every penis in the area
Also I just took a shit at a bar so always remember that ANYTHING is possible.
Nothing motivates a person to clean their apartment like puking up cheese ravioli beer-tequila chicken wings for eight hours.
How's Vegas?
Woke up with a sculpture of my own head. Been trying to find Ashley for two days. so pretty not too bad.
Orgasms and cereal.... that's what life's about.
I swear I have some evil slut demon in me when I'm blacked out
Don't we all.
She was a cheerleader in college and President of her sorority and now she’s a sales rep for a pharmaceutical corporation. “High maintenance hot” doesn’t even begin to explain it
But dear lord is it worth it
Randomize
