smoking a cig and getting head on the last night of my cruise. and she doesn't mind that i'm texting you right now. this is now on my list of top 10 nights of my life.
Dude you picked up her Chihuahua and threatened to kill it yelling "it's not cinco de mayo, bitches"
I want a vodka facial right about now. I'm talking about straight vodka bukkake
Apparently I also called my credit card company to demand a credit limit increase. I'm so content with not drinking another 60 days
Almost propositioned sex in exchange for a study guide for my final tomorrow.
It was like stroking your vagina with a cloud.
I texted him that I wanted to be more than fuck buddies so when I came over he gave me a punch card. He takes me I dinner every 10 fucks.
You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
This family outing has commenced with me throwing up in an apple orchard
its like my brain is a tree and you are those little cookie elves
There is a doctor sitting next to me at lunch talking about the engorged scrotum surgery he did this morning and I am about to lose my professional grown adult facade.
As much as I enjoyed playing drunk half naked twister and talking about my daddy issues last time, I'll have to pass.
I made out with a girl because I wanted to get in the VIP section of the bar because they have these big comfy couches. It worked.
The box said 94% effective prevention of pregnancy if used correctly but God knows I’m not gonna use it right so let’s adjust that to like a 70%
I woke up with your bra on, and some guys boxers. I'm in a random truck, in the middle of nowhere...
Randomize
