I am slurping my drink like I am going to the electric chair
you kept running across the street. everytime you made it across successfully you took something off. can't believe there were no cops around...
oh thats it?
I just saw a kid walk into class with his dad. Fuck his life.
Aparently his snake got loose in the middle of the night. Not a sex joke, he has a fucking snake
Are you seriously gonna shit with that life vest on?
It's just a condom. Most people would commend me for saying I was going to start using them, and you're acting like I'm going to try heroin.
the boat had a sign not to jump off the roof of it, which gave us the idea to jump off the roof of it
I think I'm about to have sex with a second person before noon hehehhe! You're welcome America.
She had me dip my balls in cake batter ice cream from cold stone and then tea bag her. Let's get weird just got a whole new meaning.
Only thing worse than going to work with a hangover is going to work with a hangover then realizing that u don't have to work that day
I found three vicadin and a pint of fireball with the note. In case of emergency drink me under their sink.
i woke up with fake boobs glued on my chest and a large black dildo on my hand. then i had to dress myself and walk home. people saw.
He's 30 years old and woke me up for a hand job. Last time I go home with someone I met through Tinder.
I was thinking we could get together and exchange gifts, and by gifts I mean orgasms.
I just spontaneously learned how to embroider at three in the morning.
I also almost burned the house down in the process. Don't ask me how. It's a long story.
Randomize
