remember about an hour ago when i told you i was never drinking again? i may or may not be mixing malibu with caprisun. just saying.
Apparently mid blow job I started crying telling her how "Wonderful this blow job is"
Just paid for that girls abortion on my dad's black card. I feel like P-Diddy.
Did you know even strippers have to have GED's these days??
She just asked me if her C-section scar turned me on.
He took naked pictures of me and told me if I ever got to the Disney Channel level of fame he would help me out. I think i'm in love
I've never played a more sexually-tense game of Uno in my life.
i'm pretty sure i saw my life flash before my eyes when we ran a red light. i continued to drink and be the drunk backseat driver.
you grabbed the waitors dick and yelled '2nd base' and then he gave you his number. I hate your life.
I accidentally flashed three cops last night. Stone cold sober.
I went on a psycho cleaning spree so I feel I've earned the right to spend the day in bed watching porn and eating sausage biscuits. If you bring alcohol you can join me.
All other girlfriends are inferior. You are the chosen one.
When I watch porn and jerk off like 95% of the time Iron Chef is on in the background...
Gonna try and have sex in the empire state bldg, will tell you how it goes
You woke up at like 4 in the morning fell off your bunk bead, yelled at Nic for asking if you were ok, walked to the kitchen, pissed on the keg, and then looked at me and said "Still not worth it" then went back to bed.
I just elbowed a roll of wrapping paper, and said “ohh sorry”. I’m still drunk.
Randomize