Hello rock bottom. My name is Jared. Nice to meet you.
which gay bar do you need a ride home from?
tonight is proof that a xbox 360 will always be more reliable than a girl ever will
and a girl gets the red ring of death every month
After 10 years all I have gotten is one bra pic, at this point I should be able to draw your cervix from memory
just found my calculator watch from 6th grade. the hipster transformation is complete
It's like a mixture of two words
"town" and "Im too drunk to spell right now"
Just had sex with a girl from Italy. The only english she knew was Obama campaign slogans. Her screaming, "Yes we can!" as I was railing her not only turned me on but allowed my neighbors to know it was consentual.
I refuse to have sex with you and your eBay condoms.
Some daaay... Bet your bottom dollar that some daaay you'll do that mollyyyy
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with someone crawling around my carpet for 3 hours trying to pick up spilled coke...
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with ME crawling around your carpet for 3 hours trying to save my investment.
Do me a favor and don't mention him I feel like Regina George and I just want to scream I made him
Apparently I told him he would be good for human sacrifice.
Stop it. You know what r&b does to my body
That kid singlehandedly fucked the breakup right out of me. I'm only hooking up with Millenials from here on out.
Found this cake smashed up inside a box on the sidewalk. Im saying yes to adventure and eating some.
Taking a nap. Sidewalk cake kicked my ass. It had boston creme filling!
I just walked in on Joel doing a buck naked tripod headstand in front of the mirror so he could see the bug bite on his balls
Randomize
