So #1 way to come back last night and #2 wishbone and I broke into his house and i opened joey's door and u were both passed out and pantless.
How do you jack off and text at the same time?
On my iPhone they have an app for that
So drunk can't even tell it's my own house. WOaoOw.
college "breaks" should be renamed "reminder why you left your hell hole of a life in the first place"
my mom found all the used condoms in my bed side table
whatd she say to you?
no words- put them all in a circle, put the bible in the middle
Protip: If you slur the word 'tipsy', you've progressed beyond tipsy.
She just got out of the car and said "hold on purse.. It's going to be a bumpy ride"
I had some like war flashbacks of giving someone a handjob and i was trying to figure out who it was.
I'm in the Wal Mart stall where we found out you weren't pregnant. This is where I'm going to propose to you. I feel like that would be the most romantic
I took "we live within stumbling distance of the bar" as an invitation and challenge
I'm confused as to why I have a picture of your boobs in response to a photo of my father
I let my daddy issue flag fly free last night.
I woke up to the sound of him repeatedly tapping out SOS in Morse Code using his hard cock.
I just walked past a guy banging a chick in the back of his car.
Listen, i know this is weird for you, but as your fuck buddy, id prefer if you didnt fuck her.
Youre asking too much from me
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