i have some very unhappy turtles in my backseat
I just want you to know IcyHot in the ear is weird. Don't ask.
Are you really this nice or are you just trying to get in my pants?
Both?
Someday you'll be stoned enough to create a one-person step team and then you'll understand
I just listened to "Eye of the Tiger" and did 5 shots to prep going over to see him.
Maybe it's just my body's way of telling me I don't need pinky toes. Like I'm the next evolutionary leap or something...
Had a dream I beat up niall then madeout with him while snorting coke out of a dragons egg
I will expect an hourly check text to confirm you are alive and that you aren't dead in a ditch somewhere with a hobo dry humping your corpse
You know, I think I'm going to rock the shit out of this whole mid-twenties thing. Fuck babies and weddings -- I have vodka and young cock.
I should become her mentor. Get her life back together for her
You mean sponsor?
Well I either feel like the fat girl or very accomplished because his bed is now broken in three places
HEY. NO. THIS IS ABOUT YOU RIGHT NOW. YOUR COCK, MY MOUTH, THATS IT.
The fact our science teacher from high school was buying us drinks and hitting on me doesn't matter.
color coded lube a great way to organize my bootie calls
I remember you banged her while I was dying on your couch, so good call
Randomize
