why is it that no matter what your novelty license plate says it always screams "im a huge tool"?
This is why you don't make out with cougars at a bar... I got a linkedin request from her, wtf?
I feel like I should limit myself to one meal prepared from a box per day
So I told her I dislocated my shoulder and she said "well okay. I can either be on top or blow you."
Decisions, decisions.
Sorry you had to see that, but on the bright side...at least I trust you enough to have sex in front of you
What part of i'm handcuffed to an oven do you not understand?
It's legal now for me to leave my boyfriend and marry you.
Don't smoke out front when you get home there's gasoline involved I'll tell you later
Dude he downed 9 shots of tequila, sang bohemian rhapsody with 3 randoms Wayne's world style, solo'd closing time, chased the hot bartender's dog all the way to main, tackled him, carried him back, hot bar tender hugged AND kissed him, then he does a jumping heel click and leaps into my car through the window. Next rounds free at the yeti. Needless to say your little brother is a tequila god.
Basically.
this st patricks day sucks
ill send jameson via bank tube 150+ miles
Did you know that taking off a bra with teeth burns ninty calories?
I figure even if it starts out as just sex I can bang him into loving me
I'm pretty sure your ex of four years just had a baby with some kid and named it after you...
I know how to kill a man with nutmeg and a sword. You in?
Or nah
half way down the stairs my legs said fuck this and i just fell the rest of the way...
Randomize
