I totally ignored my nose and drank sour milk this morning. The tupid carton said 4/22/09. i puked everywhere..
'Watching yourself cry on Photobooth' is the new 'watching yourself cry in the mirror.'
I decided you couldn't drive after you asked where the time circuits were on your Altima
I wanted to see November 5, 1985
I gambled and lost. Had to pull into a funeral home to clean up with a copy of my resume.
and then he said "my sister has the same underwear!" please come get me.
im contemplating emailing my dad and telling him how worthless i am and how sorry i am that he pays for my life...aka my bar tabs.
its barely noon and he already threw up and i have second degree burn
I just don't see what's wrong with carrying a water bottle around.
It's not the bottle. It's the fact that you're drinking wine out of a sport bottle at 9 am.
I feel like my vagina stays drunk longer than the rest of me. It's always super sensitive and hungry the day after drinking.
Whoa, I am aware of WAY too many squirrels right now...
I'm running on 2 hours of sleep. Just spent 6 minutes staring at the back of my hand thinking: "I don't really know this that well"
My roommate is downstairs drunk, smoking, and listening to a self help DVD. Please dear God don't let this be the Ghost of Christmas Future.
Holy shit my cat won't leave the lube alone
I think my fortune cookie is telling me I give good blowjobs.
The cop told you he couldn't let you pee. You just pulled your pants down and squared anyway and im surprised you didnt get arrested.No more drinking for you.
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