guess who came home with a hottie last night
Def drugged
my head looks like a cockatoo
mine looks like a lions mane...looks like the entire zoo is going to prom
woke up in a shopping cart using a keystone box as a blanket. how was your night?
My boss just called me into his office to apologize for being an "inadvertant cockblock"
PS- I just stirred my mimosa with a slice of bacon
I was freaked out. No man over 50 is allowed to touch me. Ever. Unless you're Michael Bolton. Then please do.
Hundreds of bug bites..Dad jokingly says "looks like you passed out naked in the woods somewhere"
I feel like everytime I call him he's either fucking or getting into trouble. It's really disturbing that he presses the answer button and then proceeds to fuck her harder.
I think it got a little awkward for her when my dad walked in on us and did nothing except leave half of his pizza on the table for us.
Bro she gave me the stare. It's like she boned me with her eyes. I'm going in.
this lady just pulled corn on the cob out of her purse
People like that make this world a better place.
I went from naked with lasts nights hookup to Ihop in 6 minutes flat
I think that's a new house record
It would seem she's painting a bullseye right in between her legs
This German chick looked me up and down for a while. Then she grabbed my crotch, let go after a few seconds, and said "you vill do". I think I'm gonna like tonight.
Idk I've taught my 18 month old how to say nipple so kids aren't all bad
Randomize
