He was all up on my grill like I was having a BBQ. I DONT EVEN KNOW HOW TO USE A GRILL.
do you think they make "congratulations unfit mother" greeting cards?
or abortion recommendation cards.
I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
You know whats sad? As I walk past the campus daycare i cant help think, look at those drunk mistakes
I just got hard thinking about a crunch wrap. Im done
Remember that time we became friends because I shotgunned a Tall Boy in your bathroom?
Those memories are both hazy and awesome.
I have the perfect view of a sexy blonde in yoga pants stretching from the shoulder press machine. I'll be here all night. So glad I came high.
Ur here with me in spirit. Now run free. Run free
We need more drag queens in our life I've decided
Some people say 6pm is too early to get drunk. To them I say this dinner is delicious.
It's not ok to announce to a group of people playing beer pong that a girl put her finger in your butt last night. I now know this
You know getting black out drunk at a cats birthday party should have been my lowest point drinking wise but some how I feel like last night was some how worse
You came out of your room naked under your open robe with a mouth full of brownie on a stick and grabbed a fistful of fruit loops and shoved them into your already full mouth.
"my nose is broken but I'm beer pong champ so it evens out really"
She said I'm going to get you stoned and have you fuck me on the couch.
Hey, I left a taco in your dishwasher.
Randomize
