I’m once again drinking at eight am on a Sunday in my tutu. This garment is literally my best purchase ever.
no where in the syllabus does it say "no alcoholic beverages allowed".
we're making bets on your personal life
Oh so it was one of those "I shouldn't have gotten in a cab with a random 21 year old girl" kinda nights.
he was like the dessert in the all you can eat man buffet that has become my life.
they drunkenly created an obstacle course for the poor hamster and its ball.
Is re-gifting a Valentine's Day present worse than re-gifting a Xmas one?
You're unbelievable, unbelievably awesome.
feelin groggy baby? need a coffee? vitamins? a nice good fuck on the piano?
Found my ex-boyfriend's money stash. Call the girls, we are getting fucked up tonight, my treat.
You can't have your cake and publicly stick your dick in it too
As soon as the clock wound down to zero, she declared "HALF-TIME HEAD" and pulled down my pants. After the swallow, she said "BEER CHASER," got me a new one, and asked if she could make me a sandwich. Pretty sure she's lobbying hard for a ring.
Why do guys insist on chatting me up this early in the morning? I'm just like "Dude, I look like the bastard child of Einstein and a troll doll. Let me eat my Hot Pocket in peace."
You left me a drunk voicemail of you describing your pizza to me at 2 AM
WE'RE MOVING TO IRELAND!!!! DON'T ASK QUESTIONS JUST BOOK THE DAMN FLIGHT!!!!
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
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