i was so high i thought his mole came off and was flying around
Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
Just proof I should've brought the airhorn with me to class.
He told me I just kept sending him the word sex and dollar signs.
I walked in on you rubbing your nose all over his face while straddling him and yelling "I'M SO SORRY!" repeatedly. I'd say you were in pretty good shape at that point in the night.
If we worried less about pouring champagne down stripper crack, we probably wouldn't skip so many meals.
I think I'm just going to up-end a bottle of wine and look through pictures of what my life used to be.
Def something wrong w taking plan b with your daughters juice box
I'd like to request an "its my birthday discount", and for you to bartend shirtless tonight ;)
I'm using my ex bfs phone number to look up his Kroger card so I can get a discount on condoms...yep this is my life
No, it's cool, I just bounced from the hospital. I was...talking to a security guard, maybe?
Did you put candle wax on my balls last night?
Nothing like putting a Percocet up your nose because you spent your night drinking heavily and can't drink water to make you heavily reconsider your life choices
She woke up next me in bed and told me to stop driving so fast.
woke up hungover this morning lying in a water raft covered in water.. i dont know if i should consider this good or bad
Randomize
