Your fb status are always so intriguing.. Often make me picture you naked
I hope my margaritas pass through security.
ok so I'm texting you now like I promised instead of drunktexting aaron and telling him how badly I want his cock tonight. aren't you proud?
this is Aaron, hi
I'm home with mono, wearing knee high socks, shorts, a stained old shirt, and a surgical mask. He comes over ANYWAY with soup, a gas mask, billions of DVDs, and eats me out. He's either stupid, whipped, or i'm just THAT good.
My 10 year old brother handed me a pack of condoms and said "here, i don't wanna be an uncle yet."
How drunk are u on a scale of one to couldn't get it up if u had a gun at ur head?
Just stabbed myself in the face trying to lick melted cheese off a kitchen knife.
we have to top last new years. except im not ready for jail. that can wait a couple years
I distinctly remember holding up a piece of ham pizza and screaming: "WHO THE FUCK EATS HAM PIZZA" in the face of a bunch of scared 13 year old girls faces, while my own sister laughed in mine.
These kids are nice. Shrooms make everything so nice.
A big toe in my vag is not foreplay.
you're no funn. i shall go consult my friend vodka on this matter.
You told the bartender at least five times that you were naming your son "Jagermeister" but you would use the bartender's name "Fernando" as his middle name. You were drunk.
I just spent the better half of my Friday night alone, naked eating McDonalds. Not my worst start of a new year
He licked me while I ate pretzels and chips. I was really living my best life.
Randomize
