Dude its so hot it my room I can't jack off. Its gonna be a long summer.
you have no idea how wierd it is to get nudes while talking to grandma
It can't be good... The last recollection I have is singing lullabys to his penis
So I realized I'm not completely sober when the automatic toilet flushed and I screamed
he walkred up to the manager at dennys and said 'look, my friends passed out in your bathroom, can i go get her?'
You are not about to raise that baby deer, you can BARELY raise yourself... Return it to it's mom now.
tequilla shots with my grandparents? christmas visiting just got so much better
I either just got free sex or a nice jail sentence. Text me in 10 to verify.
Ya I don't think I'm going anywhere, a cum towel, beer, and Vicodin was just exchanged in our white elephant present game
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
LEAVE ME AND MY NIPPLES ALONE
And some neighbor just saw me naked and hunched over a bag of potato chips stuffing my face. Maybe clothes aren't a bad idea.
This weekend I turned down sex to watch the Star Wars marathon... Is this growing up?
I still don’t believe you, the dog DID NOT tear down the shower curtain and shit on the floor.. we found you in the fetal position in the bathroom holding your tequila gun. It was you!
Dude someone puked in a bowl n put it in the fridge. I thought it was salsa! Who does that?
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