I'm in your bed right now
Okay meet you there give me 10
Don't think you can make me leave either
Give me ten I ha e to be ******'s wingman I want you
I too understand the importance of cheesy bread
half the nation just spent an hour watching a balloon fly around. we are officially the dumbest fucking country.
FUUUUUCK she froze all my quaters inside the ice cubes again
I tried to put a seat belt on in the shower. And I'm 80% sure I ate soap.
My fuck buddy took time out of his date with his girlfriend to text me happy Valentines Day.
Blacked out, Had to be carried out of the bar again by two large black bouncers. Asked them to be my "boo thangz" Again.
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
The guy who bit me so hard two nights ago that I had to put Neosporin on my nipple and the guy in my bed right now are two different people. Help
I think the saddest part about my sex life is that most of it is pity sex.
In other news, I'm pretty sure my mom was encouraging me to have a threesome yesterday... I don't even want to start digging in that garden of horror and trauma.
I'm home, and it turns out she didn't get it all. still picking Oreos out of my pubes.
he left a full can of coors light underneath my windshield wiper, like a love note. if that's not husband material, i don't know what is
Oh man I knew I took that Molly too soon, talkin to some Scottish people lol but don’t like rollin in pizza restaurants.
Well, he was practically tripping over his dick to get to me so I'd say my new dress was successful
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