i told him he had the best dick i've ever seen. then supposedly i kept repeating "peter piper picked the perfect penis"
Woman walking into toby keith concert: 8 months pregnant, black eye, shirt on that has a picture of a boot and the words "we'll put a boot up your ass" with an american flag printed over--the sleeves were ripped off and she had a camo cowboy hat. Greatest thing I've ever seen.
I just threw up and a whole piece of spaghetti came out of my nose. I don't even remember eating spaghetti.
He was fucking her while he was wiping my tears.
I was thrown in the air atleast 3 times by baby jesus
The trees feel like magic. Come fly to taco bell with me.
It sounds like I am drunk, but I am not. I just have a concussion.
He wouldn't let me put a red handprint on his face or scream to him everytime he walked away.
Why did you want to do any of that?
If someones last name is Wilson, you are obligated to pretend that you are Tom Hanks and they are a Volleyball and quote the movie when you speak to them.
He told me how it ended, then I blew him.
So he ruined the best cinematic experience of your life and you REWARDED him??
After you passed out we took your car to the campus and stole a 150lb plaque that's now in your trunk. Happy birthday!
Idk how much vodka is on these pants but I'm gonna wear them anyway: the biopic
Well, personally I like to keep my blackmail in well organised folders.
We were making fun of some people having sex on the beach, an hour later we were having sex on a golf course
So we were fooling around last night and suddenly Like A Virgin popped up on his itunes
OMG haha What did he say?
He told me that if I laughed, I would have to leave.
Fuck. I think I can already feel tomorrow's hangover. It's like future me cane back to warn present me about the impending doom but didn't turn the time dial back far enough.
Randomize
