I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
I hate having morals and standards the next morning.
We should be flying into LAX instead so when we land I can turn to the right and see the Hollywood sign
You can't even see the fuckin Hollywood sign from LAX. guess she never got the memo
you left him a drunk voicemail of you singing speechless by lady gaga balling your eyes out
Well he asked to have a sober hang out so i guess that constitutes as a date in college
I guess on the plus side everyone really, really enjoyed my nipple clamps
Drunk roommate walked in on us and asked if we wanted to go eat a sandwich with her in the bathroom.
Why can't I live in a world where my only 2 options are rum bikini hot tub party or masturbating?
To my ex and my favorite mistake: I totally enjoyed hearing you have erectile disfunction via baby monitor!
It's a "nonproductive" (vocab word) cough. It's like a constant tickle in my throat, like there's a little elf with feathers for feet going Gangnam style on my "uvula" (vocab word).
"Wine night with the girls" turned into me having to set an alarm in the bathtub this morning...
I am thankful for thumbs.
Because without thumbs, we would be dolphins.
Land dolphins.
My brother just text me asking if I was ready for the blowjob of my life.
I had the good sense not to tell her that my summer goal is to get fucked by a med student while wearing a party dress and sparkly shoes
got laid for being an eagle scout again. 4 more and ill have all my merit badges.
Randomize
