barbara walters just said penis...
beer pong: waldo and ernie vs. bacon and eggs... i love halloween
They pulled him over whille he had a fish tank full of beer in his front seat. He told them it coudn't count as an open container cause the top was on it.
This gyro tastes like lonliness
I don't know how many crown and cokes he went through but I know it was more that I have fingers. We are never leaving Texas.
The fairy wings and cowboy hats were not the issue. The bag of cocaine that I held in the air as we drove in the parade might have been.
Also, hurry up because I don't like drinking alone. I'm still doing it, but I don't like it.
If she makes a move, pretend to have a seizure.
You were sitting in the tub, clothed, squirting my KY all over yourself. You said "it's warm." then passed out.
She's comparing the feel of breasts to shredded cabbage. Weirdest. Grandmother. Ever.
He looked at me like he knew me, and I looked at him like I had seen his penis before.
hooked up with him and then had a conversation with his ex about how we hate people who hook up with our exs...
Just woke up and read the text that drunk me sent you, i take it all back, and you can't have my power puff girl pillow either.
well i blew him then my wife blew him, so im guessing we'll be seeing him around, yeah
my alarm on my phone broke at the bar sooo i had to sleep with someone so i'd wake up on time for work.
Randomize
