Remember ______, girl, blonde, one of my roommates the first year of ________?
Yeah we hooked up in the top bunk bed while simultaneously having a conversation with u, so yeah, I remember her
my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
I was so drunk that I didn't realize he was staying at the Waldorf. I walk of shamed the Astoria, do you even know what this means?
They're pole dancing on a handicap sign post.
Just googled "penis wearing a hat" i think it's safe to say nobody found my ex's lost phone...
I have a bruise on dick where you tried to "high five" me.
I wish buying curtains was as easy as buying drugs. I already KNOW what I want and what the outcome will be: awesome.
I have the most nasty and explicit wet dreams of my boss that I'm embarrassed to look him in the face. I'd be pregnant or promoted if he only knew
No! Last time I got hit with a beer bottle
Haha, Tuesday man
I only remember singing the Captain Planet theme song on our way to the bars.
him and the cab driver we buy e from got into a fist fight, about which show is better, futurama or family guy.
I have never thoroughly inspected the geometry of my nipples until now. How do I fix this?
And then you two got up and shouted in near perfect unison "I'M ALWAYS A SLUT FOR BASKIN ROBBINS" The bar just looked at us horrified.
Jesus I was next level high last night having a mental epiphany about the state of Virginia
It's gotten to the point that I'm pretty sure I'm going to need to be legally drunk before I enter the voting booth this year.
Randomize