i guess i finally out drove tiger woods this morning..
everybody makes mistakes
i didn't know they allowed you to text in ambulances
I've decided the third guy that I slept with is who I lost my virginity to...
You kept telling me how warm your bag of vomit was and asked me if i wanted to feel.
Unless you consider jello shots food the answer is no there is no dinner here. When u get food get more wine too tired of you coming over drinking all my booze and destroying my vagina
When you give the bridesmaid toast someday at my wedding I need you to quote Ricky Bobby in some form. And slip in your sister has the vagina of awesomeness. That is all.
The cop told us he we helped him pass his monthly bong quota. He almost ran out of room on the hood of his car..
apparently my buddy was fucking on our couch downstairs so i decided it was necessary to walk downstairs naked in a hockey mask.
I took the pregnancy test for shits and giggles, but neither shits nor giggles were had.
Got to use the phrase "sweet pukas dude." My day is made.
If a treadmill opens up I'll run next to him and then fall off so he has to give me mouth to mouth
When my beach tent arrives , I strongly suggest quitting our jobs and becoming homeless beach drunks
Yeah you're weird. You once told me you would by me a house in the middle of sex. Like as you were thrusting.
Currently using my kid's computer to charge my vibrator. #thisis30ish
honestly i've never been more attracted to you than when you threw up on my floor
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