He told me he had more lines than a plaid shirt
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
Always fun waking up to 911 as your last dialed call.
Can I have my ID back now or are you using it to crossdress again?
Was that not clear on Friday when I nearly deapthroated two ice cubes?
You defs just slept for 6 hours in a porta pottie. You should probably just kill yourself.
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
Let's drink?
Just because it's bacon vodka doesn't mean it's for breakfast.
She almost killed me. The shot she handed me had tacks in it. Wtf?!
Okay I shall begin. Thank you Swedish chef
Hurrfy smmurdshy burrfst!
That is the exact response I was looking for.
I'm so incredibly high right now the fact I am texting is nothing short of miraculous. Call the Pope. Hell make me Saint Roy, patron of stoners.
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
i need to stop meeting underage girls and letting them into the bar. i mean yea its a surefire way to get laid without having to tell them I'm 26 but i feel like as a bouncer I'm focusing on all the wrong things
I may be a feminist, but I am not above using my body to distract you if it means I might beat you in a game of scrabble.
anyone can pick a bar fight and pick up a waitress at a bar, not everyone hangout with two wolves. TWO WOLVES.
Randomize
