I just saw a hot homeless man
he said i was weird because i want to have sex in public places.
i dont think thats weird i think thats fun
i forgot to tell you, he fell asleep outside my house again last night, but im weird
awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation?
you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets.
I cant. I'm trying to smell my vagina.
It only takes once for you to drunkly piss on a chick for her to lose interest in you.
Dude.. You paid a stripper $50 to listen to you cry last night.
Came to from my blackout with native american warrior facepaint on I'm too old for this shit
The facepaint not the blacking out
I wish I could rewind to my 8th birthday instead. I wanna wake up, eat as much cake as I want, and have a Transformers birthday party without someone judging me.
We would have taken you home with us, but you were outside the bar measuring a randoms stream of piss by walking along side it... you said you were only at 32 feet and it still had a couple of grooves to hit.
New life rule, no banging opera singers. I might be a little deaf now
Where was Alyssa when you were sniffing the bouncer?
Passed out on some guy who looked like someone from Duck Dynasty.
at one point, i told him to buy you a pumpkin spice latte and uggs because you're a common white girl and that's how he should get you in bed
I already left my house once this summer. Maybe we could do something in October.
There is blood all over my sheets and no discernible source.
I'm totally picking out my shrooming outfit and blankets right now
Randomize
