Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
i hate that site..its like every vagina you dont wanna see
she went home with me because she said i reminded her of paul rudd. remind me to thank him for his awkwardness
I hope, cuz I was gunna get "celebritory drunk" but now I have to get "I'm disappointed drunk"
just used my nephews bottle to take my birth control
i think my love is proven by the fact that i still want to have sex with you after this conversation
Is it uncouth to have a themed intervention? I know how much you like Star Wars.
We're at the hospital. She got a head rush and fell and now blood everywhere. Smoke the rest, just save her a bowl
I'm looking forward to the release of my future best seller - "Three Words to Make Your Relationship 100% Better: Surprise Blow Jobs"
What!? It's 7:30am on gameday. This keg is not going to drink itself.
I just walked out of the side door of the bar to come in the front door so no one would know I've been here drinking before our work meeting.
after sex he fell asleep with his water bottle in one hand and his dick in the other at 6pm. I'm a winner.
Only I could turn my one night stands into class essays. Go me.
I'm concerned I may die tonight. All I've been told about my bday shenanigans is to bring slutty clothes, a bikini, tylenol, sunglasses and pjs. Tell me what the fuck is going on...now
bring lube too
i hate all of you
I’ll call you later. There’s a jilted trophy wife looking for a revenge fuck at my door
Randomize
