happy early fathers day!!!
im not a father
about that...
Only now do I see "not intended for use on skin" warning. Wonderful. But hey, my dick smells like magic marker.
i was watching some porn this morning and i realized i am blessed with a truly beautiful vagina
Escaped ambulance. Meet me at your apartment.
it was the drunk execution of a sober decision, and its much more tasteful than the first mullet
he went at my nipples like a starved dog.
remember how i yelled at you for inviting that coke dealer to the party?! i found the $100 bill they were snorting with in the couch.
..new slutty dresses or booze? i won't even waste time with the i told you so.
Get you some cowboy.
In that sentence you are the cowboy. That is not saying you should get a cowboy for yourself.
I can only use one eye at a time. And if I want to listen, I have to close both of them.
And my coffee table looks like something out of Scarface
Started crying to "that's the way it is" by celine. What the fuck uterus?!
I maxed out my credit card last night on powdered donuts and beef jerky
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
But he said I was unpatriotic for not having sex with him. What was I suppose to say to that?
I just thought you should know... Instead of a glass of wine before bed I am having a few shots of 1800. This is what being a night shift nurse will do to you... Standing in your kitchen in your undies doing shots
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