Through a series of unfortunate circumstances, I think I just sprayed lime juice on my vagina.
I just tried to put my feet in my slippers and found cans of beer in them. Christmas in fucking july.
shes trying to light up her bowl in front of the fan. everytime it blows it out she just gives it a dirty look.
We had sex in his tahoe, talked about how we don't love each other and then high fived twice. Best Day Ever
You were so drunk last night you typed www.face.come/cheese.com as if you were logging into facebook.
once I found out that a naked stripper wasn't gonna pop out of the cake I kind of just lost interest in the party
I positioned my bed perfectly so around 10 a.m. every morning there are rays of sunshine coming through the window in my room. Now i can tan while PTFO.
I want you to tape your fingers together and give me a lobster claw hand job.
Woke up laying in the kitchen floor with a cup in one hand and the beer tap in the other. Guess I just needed that one last beer.
All you have to drink is moonshine and ranch. This is bullshit.
I woke up with a half eaten bag of lettuce in my hand, wearing my Halloween costume from last year. Damn you tequila.
I can feel my ovaries exploding thinking about them.
Did you blackout Saturday before or after we had sex in a random snow bank?
I just stood still on a stair at the train station expecting it to go down automatically like an escalator... Today's going to be a good day
I apologize that you just fell victim to my random thought of how to make a blow job come to life via emojis.
Randomize
