my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
Going to a jewelry store high is not a good idea. I look like mr.t's wife.
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like having to pee in a condom for my cousin so that he can pass a drug test.
I'm in the line at the airport trying not to vomit on the person in front of me. Happy Tuesday.
He had a curved dick....must be a european thing
I feel like everytime I call him he's either fucking or getting into trouble. It's really disturbing that he presses the answer button and then proceeds to fuck her harder.
She had one of those kid princess beds. I asked how she expected to fuck on that and she just said "thats what the slide is for". I've never wanted to marry a one night stand before.
she's unstoppable after she starts doing shots and yelling NANNER
I just pulled the nickels from earlier out of my bra in class. The guy next to me is either terrified or intrigued.
She just asked what would happen if you put a vacuum in your butt and turned it on. These are our conversations.
I just realized I'm currently not eating carbs, drinking alcohol or having sex. 2014 is off to a horrible start.
future reference: when you get a text that says "WARNING: EXPLICIT PHOTOS BEING DELIVERED. VIEWERS DISCRETION IS ADVISED." you always open the attached picture.
I forgot my backup drink is supposed to be pedialyte and vodka. Add in the shit I'm losing as I drink. Win-Win right?
And thanks for putting me in that safety position on the bathroom floor while I was spooning the toilet
Since moving to the suburbs, all I do is fuck my ex and watch cartoons. It's not so bad.
Randomize
