Oh. My. God. Best non-relationship, he-might-be-cheating-on-his-boyfriend-but-I-can't-tell-because-of-the-language-barrier sex EVER!
...she just doesn't genetically have the things I want my kids to have.
I literally ate my thanksgiving dinner while getting a lapdance. And honestly, after that, there is no other way.
then he said "your boobs looked so much bigger on girls gone wild"
I forgot about that,good spring break.
They are currently going door-to-door asking the neighbors to donate money for Cheez-Its and gift wrap. They asked me to stay back at the house to make another pitcher of margaritas.
I think I'm finally maturing. I'm happy he found someone. Good for him. I sincerely hope she doesn't choke on his tiny penis.
I'm not sending you pictures to jack off to. That's not what friends do
I almost itched my nose with the lit end of a cigarette. Help.
javelin tossed one of my crutches in to the mosh pit at the concert, hit some dude in the temple hahah fuck him he sucks
The reign of the rally queen is over. Welcome to the age of the walking dead.
They better not charge my debit card for what you peed on.
He made me twerk for scrambled eggs... I regret nothing
One of your snapchats was of you with a 40oz of Mickeys and the caption: "Deep Throat back in her natural habitat"
I got to walk around for eight hours wearing power armor and acting camp. No way I wouldn't love it.
Oh no...did you put star fish over your nipples again?
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