Holy jesus god. My teeth taste like street.
How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
Sometimes he has weird facial hair...Basically he has a penis... that's what he's got going for him.
I was in a house full of lesbians and they were all staring at me. I felt like the last cresent roll on Thanksgiving.
My parents just out drank me... I cant get back to college soon enough
I have six drafts of messages to you that just say "blood" and I have no idea where they came from.
You wanna know how bad I feel? I couldn't get out of bed to get the remote, so I just downloaded the comcast app on my phone so I could change the channels
I feel like these arent even my fingers anymore
I think my boss gives me work off weekends because he doesn't want me showing up hungover anymore..
We found you wrapped up in a tarp in the garage the next morning, thats how real shit got.
Things I Learned Tonight: I have no future in goat wrangling. Herding. Whatever you call the ridiculosity that just transpired.
WHY WONT HOT GETMAN MAKR PUPR WITH ME!!!!???!?!!
I threw up vodka and borscht. I'm done with life...I threw this up in a McDonald's bathroom btw.
Is this really the life I've chosen for myself?
Hey, I was just wondering why i dont have a shirt on, why im cuddling with a furnace, why im in my own basement, and where my car is.
Randomize
