this boner is fucking legendary. i should name it and celebrate its birthday every year
i don't even specifically remember last night, it's just one big wonderful lesbianic blur.
Dude, I had to masturbate just to stay warm. Please pay the gas bill?
I just had a heart to heart with a stripper I'm becoming a dentist.
Taking shot for every red box on your worst bracket. I have 30. I might die tonight.
I've started making all these amazing things...like bananas rolled in doritos..bandritos.
he slipped a picture of a kangaroo under my door that said "im sorry" on the back and passed out on my lawn.. who the fuck is this kid?
Turns out lunch break sex with someone you cant stand being around for any amount of time just makes you wish you had gone to get tacos like you originally planed.
We have started to decorate penises.
blew off easter dinner with the fam to go play shot roulette. woke up in nothing but my boxers in the back of a random pickup truck.
Your niece just basically announced she's a whore on FB so you should feel pretty good about officiating that wedding next month.
You know what else? He didn't even get to see my butt. And my butt is really cute. Car sex is awful.
you know you're drunk when you start breaking down your body composition into organic molecules
One a scale of one to hella drunk, how gracefully can I make it down those stairs
Lol it's kinda hilarious. I left missing one glass... guage. I feel like Cinderella... but less classy.
Randomize
