Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.
Is it a problem that I find my wife's 16 year old niece sexy?
Just found a hundred dollar bill on the ground. Hope you're looking to drink tonight
im guessing your the one that tried to make bacon in the toaster
Did we both pass out talking about cake last night?
Ok that kid was ether gay or 12 with a beard.
I vaguely remember Matt shouting something about "GET ON MY LEVEL!" at the bartender before he attempted to order a case of tequila from him.
I JUST HAD A FLASH MEMORY OF DOING A SHOT OF WHISKEY WITH MY BEER YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO PUNCH ME IN THE FACE TO PREVENT THAT FROM HAPPENING.
Did you catch one of my beer pong balls in your cleavage or was that a dream?
Any time you've had a failed relationship, I blast No Sex for Ben by The Rapture and dance around my room. I wish I was joking.
I'm beginning a new chapter of my life in which our fridge will always be stocked with jello shots. I'm excited to embark down this road to fruity, semi-solid alcoholism.
THE AUSTRALIAN IS SINGLE AS FUCK.
Peeing in taco bell cups is part of the fun of going to taco bell
Tell me why I woke up with your dads construction shirt on, nothing else, and had jelly donuts with a note from a girl named cathryn that said "we had a kinky night with peanut butter". p.s. Im by the layin by the lawnmower
Sharted again. Stuck in traffic. Fuck
Randomize
